Dear Baby,
I can't quite wrap my head around the fact that you actually exist. I had my follow-up beta hCG test today - they want the number to double every two days - and today it was 553. More than doubled since Tuesday. We'll go for an ultrasound in a couple of weeks and get our very first glimpse of you. Sweet Munchkin, you are so loved. I pray that you are "sticky," as they say on the forums. I pray that you are healthy, and growing properly. I pray that I will actually get to meet you and know you for the rest of my life. I am so profoundly grateful.
love,
the infertile turtle who still can't believe that my dreams of being a Mommy are starting to come true
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Thursday, December 26, 2013
For realsies
Dear Baby,
You do exist. The doctor confirmed it. We were pretty sure, given the tests I took Tuesday and Wednesday. But it was comforting to hear the blood test results - beta hCG level of 237. Your Daddy and I have cried a lot of happy tears the last few days, and especially today! We love you so much. So incredibly much.
love,
the infertile turtle who gives thanks to G-d and the doctors and science and medicine who made it possible for me to be your Mommy
You do exist. The doctor confirmed it. We were pretty sure, given the tests I took Tuesday and Wednesday. But it was comforting to hear the blood test results - beta hCG level of 237. Your Daddy and I have cried a lot of happy tears the last few days, and especially today! We love you so much. So incredibly much.
love,
the infertile turtle who gives thanks to G-d and the doctors and science and medicine who made it possible for me to be your Mommy
Monday, December 23, 2013
Hoping against hope
Dear Baby,
You just might possibly exist. For the first time, I had a positive pregnancy test. The second line was super-faint, but Daddy could see it too, so it wasn't just wishful thinking or hallucination on my part. On the infertility forums, they call pregnancy test results BFP or BFN - for "Big Fat Positive/Negative." I'm calling this one an "LFP" - because it's little. But hopefully the line will get darker, and the blood test results will be good, and maybe - just maybe - you are on your way to us.
Love,
the infertile turtle who already loves you more than life, and hopes against hope to be your Mommy
You just might possibly exist. For the first time, I had a positive pregnancy test. The second line was super-faint, but Daddy could see it too, so it wasn't just wishful thinking or hallucination on my part. On the infertility forums, they call pregnancy test results BFP or BFN - for "Big Fat Positive/Negative." I'm calling this one an "LFP" - because it's little. But hopefully the line will get darker, and the blood test results will be good, and maybe - just maybe - you are on your way to us.
Love,
the infertile turtle who already loves you more than life, and hopes against hope to be your Mommy
Saturday, December 21, 2013
Signs
Dear Baby,
I try not to be overly superstitious, but I do believe in signs sometimes. There used to be signs up at the Kabbalah Center that said, "It's a sign." When I started dating your Daddy and I was nervous because things started getting serious, the Kabbalah Center changed their sign - for the first time since I'd moved to LA several years earlier - to one that said, "You deserve good things." I took that as a good sign.
When your Daddy proposed to me, he had one extra surprise for me - when we got back into his car after I'd said "yes," he had the song "Don't Stop Believing" cued up on the CD player. Well, after this last IUI, when I got back into my car to go to work, that was the song on the radio. I called your Daddy and told him I thought that was a good sign.
Today is 10dpiui (days post-IUI). I took a pregnancy test this morning and it was negative, but 10 days is a little early. I fell asleep for a little bit this afternoon and dreamed I took another pregnancy test, and it was positive. I'm hoping that's a good sign, too.
Love,
the infertile turtle who hopes you're sending these signs to tell me, "Mommy, I'm on my way!"
I try not to be overly superstitious, but I do believe in signs sometimes. There used to be signs up at the Kabbalah Center that said, "It's a sign." When I started dating your Daddy and I was nervous because things started getting serious, the Kabbalah Center changed their sign - for the first time since I'd moved to LA several years earlier - to one that said, "You deserve good things." I took that as a good sign.
When your Daddy proposed to me, he had one extra surprise for me - when we got back into his car after I'd said "yes," he had the song "Don't Stop Believing" cued up on the CD player. Well, after this last IUI, when I got back into my car to go to work, that was the song on the radio. I called your Daddy and told him I thought that was a good sign.
Today is 10dpiui (days post-IUI). I took a pregnancy test this morning and it was negative, but 10 days is a little early. I fell asleep for a little bit this afternoon and dreamed I took another pregnancy test, and it was positive. I'm hoping that's a good sign, too.
Love,
the infertile turtle who hopes you're sending these signs to tell me, "Mommy, I'm on my way!"
Friday, December 13, 2013
Maybe this time
Dear Baby,
I am two days into the dreaded "2WW" - the two-week window between the IUI procedure and the beta blood test. Two days in, and nearly every waking moment is consumed with thoughts of you, and wondering if you are beginning to come into existence, or if this will be yet another failed attempt. I try to be positive, but then again not to get my hopes up too much, and I am caught in this conundrum known only among the TTC community.
1998 was a bad year in Mommy's family. I lost three grandparents in seven months - my Grandpa (Grammy's Daddy) in April, my Nana (Papa D's Mommy) in June, and my Grandma (Grammy's Mommy) in October. When my sister, your Doda A., announced that she was pregnant shortly after my Grandma died, it was so wonderful. It was the first bright spot for our family in what seemed like forever.
Right now, your cousin DD is fighting leukemia. And your Grammy is fighting breast cancer. Their diagnoses came just a couple of weeks apart. And I would love to give the family good news...so please, dear baby, please be on your way.
Love,
the infertile turtle
who hates waiting, but hears it's a good skill for a Mommy to have
I am two days into the dreaded "2WW" - the two-week window between the IUI procedure and the beta blood test. Two days in, and nearly every waking moment is consumed with thoughts of you, and wondering if you are beginning to come into existence, or if this will be yet another failed attempt. I try to be positive, but then again not to get my hopes up too much, and I am caught in this conundrum known only among the TTC community.
1998 was a bad year in Mommy's family. I lost three grandparents in seven months - my Grandpa (Grammy's Daddy) in April, my Nana (Papa D's Mommy) in June, and my Grandma (Grammy's Mommy) in October. When my sister, your Doda A., announced that she was pregnant shortly after my Grandma died, it was so wonderful. It was the first bright spot for our family in what seemed like forever.
Right now, your cousin DD is fighting leukemia. And your Grammy is fighting breast cancer. Their diagnoses came just a couple of weeks apart. And I would love to give the family good news...so please, dear baby, please be on your way.
Love,
the infertile turtle
who hates waiting, but hears it's a good skill for a Mommy to have
Sunday, December 8, 2013
Priceless
Dear Baby,
Missing you is expensive. Like, so far we've spent enough for a used car. And by the time we're done, we'll probably have spent enough for a fancier car than Daddy or I own. And thanks to all the hormones, I broke down crying yesterday, because the medicines are so expensive, not to mention the doctor's visits and everything else. And Daddy held me and said, "It's worth it. There's nothing else I'd rather be spending this money on. It's the most important thing we can do." He's right. You are priceless, dear baby. And we will keep trying to bring you into our lives.
Love,
the infertile turtle
who hopes to make sure you know how precious and valued you are, every day of your life, whenever it may begin
Missing you is expensive. Like, so far we've spent enough for a used car. And by the time we're done, we'll probably have spent enough for a fancier car than Daddy or I own. And thanks to all the hormones, I broke down crying yesterday, because the medicines are so expensive, not to mention the doctor's visits and everything else. And Daddy held me and said, "It's worth it. There's nothing else I'd rather be spending this money on. It's the most important thing we can do." He's right. You are priceless, dear baby. And we will keep trying to bring you into our lives.
Love,
the infertile turtle
who hopes to make sure you know how precious and valued you are, every day of your life, whenever it may begin
Sunday, December 1, 2013
Here we go again
Dear Baby,
The doctor is happy with how things look at the start of this cycle - she seems optimistic that we have a good chance for you - so tonight I'll start injectables. Lucky for you, it's not your Daddy who has to give (or get) all these shots. He's pretty squeamish. Good thing I'm not!
Love,
the infertile turtle who loves you beyond life, before life
The doctor is happy with how things look at the start of this cycle - she seems optimistic that we have a good chance for you - so tonight I'll start injectables. Lucky for you, it's not your Daddy who has to give (or get) all these shots. He's pretty squeamish. Good thing I'm not!
Love,
the infertile turtle who loves you beyond life, before life
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Live to try another day
Dear Baby,
The doctor's office confirmed on Monday that you still don't exist. So we wait, and try again. Today is Thanksgiving. I give thanks that I can still hope for you.
Love,
your someday Mommy
The doctor's office confirmed on Monday that you still don't exist. So we wait, and try again. Today is Thanksgiving. I give thanks that I can still hope for you.
Love,
your someday Mommy
Sunday, November 24, 2013
The beginning, five months in
Dear Baby,
You don't exist yet. I was really hoping you would, that this third IUI would work. IUI #1 was on Clomid; IUIs #2 and #3 were on Femara. Today was 13dpiui (days post IUI) and I was really thinking this one would work. But the test this morning said no. I'll test again tomorrow morning, and tomorrow's also my beta test, but at this point I'm not optimistic. I cried a lot today.
I know that our infertility journey is shorter than many other women's. But your Daddy and I didn't fall in love until we were in our mid-30s. At our wedding - over a year ago already - I was 34 and he was 35. When we were ready to start trying to bring you into the world, we found out that my AMH level was only 0.4. We found an awesome doctor who had us try on our own for two months, with her monitoring how ready my body was at each step. Then we tried with her help...and you're still just a dream, not a reality.
Wherever you are, whenever you will exist, I love you already. I miss you desperately. I hope you'll come to us soon, little one.
Love,
the infertile turtle who can't wait to be your Mommy
You don't exist yet. I was really hoping you would, that this third IUI would work. IUI #1 was on Clomid; IUIs #2 and #3 were on Femara. Today was 13dpiui (days post IUI) and I was really thinking this one would work. But the test this morning said no. I'll test again tomorrow morning, and tomorrow's also my beta test, but at this point I'm not optimistic. I cried a lot today.
I know that our infertility journey is shorter than many other women's. But your Daddy and I didn't fall in love until we were in our mid-30s. At our wedding - over a year ago already - I was 34 and he was 35. When we were ready to start trying to bring you into the world, we found out that my AMH level was only 0.4. We found an awesome doctor who had us try on our own for two months, with her monitoring how ready my body was at each step. Then we tried with her help...and you're still just a dream, not a reality.
Wherever you are, whenever you will exist, I love you already. I miss you desperately. I hope you'll come to us soon, little one.
Love,
the infertile turtle who can't wait to be your Mommy
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