Second trimester!

Dear Munchkin,

Wowsers!  We're more than 1/3 of the way there!  That's pretty amazing to me.  As far as I know, you're still growing like a champ.  My next doctor's appointment is over a week away, and I'm really looking forward to seeing you again.

This IUI was the first one where it occurred to me to look up Jewish prayers for infertility and for artificial insemination.  What I said was this:

And God said: Let the waters swam with all sorts of swarming  things, that beat with the pulse of life…And God blessed them, and said: ‘Be fertile and grow and fill the waters with life.’
(Genesis 1:20, 22)  

I wish I'd found this site and recited all of the verses there.  Next time...if there is a next time.  But apparently my simple prayer was finally answered the way my heart yearned for it to be answered.

Sweet baby girl, I love you more than life itself.  And so does your Daddy.  He kisses you every day and tells you how much he loves you.  I realize that I mostly talk to you in my head, sometimes in blog posts I compose and don't publish.  I want to start talking to you more out loud, singing to you, so you know the sound of love in my voice.

love,
your humbled and grateful Mommy

Normal

Dear Munchkin,

"Normal" is my new favorite word.

The doctor's office called us yesterday - a day earlier than they'd told us they would - and said that the micro-array results are finished and everything looks normal.

Normal.

Somehow I had myself convinced that was a word I would never hear in conjunction with this pregnancy.  I was sure there would be something wrong.  On my good days, I hoped it would be something minor; other days, I tortured myself with all the awful things I could imagine.

But everything is normal.  You are healthy.  And you are a girl.  My sweet baby-girl-to-be.

And I love you even more than I already did, which I keep thinking is impossible.

love,
Mommy

The waiting game

Dear Munchkin,

You are growing right on schedule.  Your heart is beating like a champ (167 bpm on Friday at my 10-week ultrasound, 164 bpm yesterday).  I "graduated" from my fertility doctor and had my first appointment with my regular ob/gyn last Friday.  Now I am apparently a "normal" pregnant lady.

Except that I'm old - "advanced maternal age," they call it - so yesterday I had a CVS.  That led to 24 hours of bed rest - not for me, but for you, little one.  We want to make sure you keep cooking in there.  We'll get the micro-array results in a week, and the rest of the results a week after that.

love,
the infertile turtle who is trying to be a good Mommy by resting all day, and trying not to go crazy worrying about the results

Be still, my beating heart

Dear Munchkin,

It's been a week and a half since my second ultrasound, at 8w2d.  We got to see you again and you looked a whole lot more humanoid - with a recognizable head, at least - and we heard the most incredible sound.  We heard your heartbeat.  A healthy 170 beats per minute.  Daddy held my hand and we both fought back tears and it was just out-of-this-world amazing.  I am overwhelmed by how much I love you already, little one.  Please keep growing.  I don't mind if you keep making my body tired and my tummy hurt and my brain a little crazy.  But I'd appreciate it if you'd stop scaring me with the spotting, mm-kay?  I get to see you again this Friday, at 10w2d, and again on Monday at 10w5d for my CVS.  Keep on being amazing, Munchkin.

love,
the infertile turtle who already loves being your Mommy

Highs and lows

Dear Munchkin,

Last weekend, we told Grammy and Papa D and Nana about you, and they are ecstatic.  It was amazing to tell them, to watch their faces as they absorbed the news, to have them share in our joy.  An incredible high.

And then the long weekend was over; Daddy and I came back from visiting my parents on Sunday night and got to spend some quality time together on Monday since it was a holiday...and then Monday night, I started spotting.

It was terrifying.  All things considered, it was pretty minor.  There was nothing at 7 p.m. when I took some medicine, and then at 8.15 when I went to the bathroom again there was blood.  Dark red blood. My doctor had asked me at our last visit if I'd had any spotting, and I said no.  She said that it's OK if I do, and that I only need to call if it's "bright red blood."  This wasn't bright red.  Intellectually I was pretty sure it was alright.  But Daddy and I held each other tightly and tried (unsuccessfully, in my case) not to cry.  I waited an hour, then checked again, and there was no more blood.  Checked again a while later, and in the middle of the night, and in the morning; still no more blood.  My heart eased a bit, and I was able to breathe again.  Still, it was the scariest thing that has happened so far in my pregnancy.  Daddy told you, "Munchkin, stay in there and keep growing.  Don't you go anywhere.  Don't you leave us.  It's very important that you start listening to Mommy and Daddy now...it's a good precedent."  And you listened, dear Munchkin.  Thank G-d and G-d bless you, you listened.

love,
the infertile turtle who knows that at the moment, she's still your Mommy...but hopes to feel even more reassured after tomorrow's ultrasound

A picture is worth a thousand words

Dear Munchkin,

We saw you today!  There is only one of you.  You're a tiny little thing - a tenth of an inch or so - but we could see you (the fetal pole) and yolk sac and the gestational sac - and everything looked beautiful, according to our doctor.  We even got to see the flickering that is your proto-heartbeat.  So that was utterly amazing.  I'll go back in 2 weeks for another ultrasound, at which time hopefully we'll be able to hear and measure your heartbeat; once we can do that, my risk of miscarriage drops to 5%.  Just before the ultrasound, I'll meet with a genetic counselor to see if you have any increased risks, given your cousin with Sotos syndrome and your other cousin with microtia.

If everything looks good at that scan, we will "graduate" from our fertility doctor (reproductive endocrinologist) back to my regular ob/gyn.

Around 10-12 weeks, we'll probably do a CVS.  But right now, I should take things one day at a time, and be grateful that you measured exactly on schedule (6w2d) today, and give thanks for the miracle that is YOU, at this moment.

love,
the infertile turtle who is a worrywart of a Mommy

You're only a day away

Dear Munchkin,

It's less than 12 hours until my first ultrasound as pregnant lady.  G-d-willing, we will get our first glimpse of you.  Please, please, please be healthy.  Be growing.  Be strong.  Your Daddy and I are so excited, and I am so terrified that something will be wrong.  We both love you so much already.  It's mind-boggling to know that we'll love you even more with each passing day.

I find myself shaking with fear over what the outcome of tomorrow's doctor visit will be.  I'm afraid to let myself imagine a positive outcome.  I've only just gotten you, dear baby.  It scares me senseless to think that I might lose you before I even meet you.

love,
the infertile turtle who is perhaps the most paranoid Mommy ever